Well, well, well. Much to discuss this week, yes? The jerk off would-be client who told me I was overcharging, an explanation of what the Black Lives Matter campaign means---or at least OUGHT to mean----a brief history of where all the information about how to make latex masks came from and how it was disseminated, Hollwood's standards of beauty---and ugliness, why actors playing serial killers in movies usually sucks…and even MORE!! Listen if you dare----and eat a chicken and rice teriyaki bowl while you're at it.
Oh my Gosh! Am I actually sort of kind of almost ON TIME with this thing!? Well, either way, it's time for Freelance Horseshit! Crazy paranoid directors who think everything is sexist, Orlando revealing itself to be the horror capital of the world, PC going too far and all kinds of other senseless crap, right here on an audio blog of Biblical proportions!!!! Check it out while eating Moose Tracks ice cream!
Better extraordinarily late than never, right? No? Well, deal with it, kiddo… it's a tough life. Anyway, tales of being ripped off by major studios, Facebook Warriors (with an all-new jingle created with the help of Graham Schofield, Alyssa Delhotal, Mikey Rotella and Emily Dorosky!!), paint tips and what it feels like to think you're the most important person to ever exist in all of human history.
It's dumb. It's ridiculous. It's funnier than an old lady slipping in the blood of a run-over Wal-Mart CEO! That's right… after an absurdly long wait, the Caramel Manatee has returned with nightmarish stories of my first 48 hours in Hollywood, cracking my tailbone while trying to chat up a girl, and kidney stone madness. You read correctly: The Caramel Manatee is back! Listen and laff and eat Buca Di Beppo Ravioli!
Why are some things so scary? Find out what scared fecal matter into my pants when I was ten, hear tales of having my art laughed at in high school---AND dopey corporate policies, all here in this shocking 50 minutes of free entertainment made just for YOU! Ritz crackers and peanut butter time!
What is it like to transform from Charlton Heston into Pee-Wee Herman in a matter of moments? How many times have I had to get stitches? Where do I feel I rank in the long list of 20th Century artists? If you lay awake at night pondering these things like no one on Earth does, listen! And while you're at it, eat some Fiddle Faddle.
The Caramel Manatee returneth, with touching (!) tales of my Mom, the most ridiculous conversation I've ever seen on Instagram, and some whiny douchebag production designer I had to endure years ago. Listen. Laff. Luxuriate. And don't barf out your lunch on anyone!!
What was it like living in Philadelphia during the Bicentennial? How is Pop Music like Fast Food? What was the most embarrassing thing I have ever witnessed onstage? If these questions have ever kept you awake at night, the answers are finally here!! All here, all now, all funny. Check it out!!!
Life be crazy, yo. And herein you will find evidence of said craziness, yo. Awesome recipes, why wanting to kill Shelley Duvall isn't really THAT crazy, people I know who have had their assholes bleached (!) and delicious East-Coast sodas are all here! Grab some of those new Cinnamon Bun Oreos and check it out, homies!!
Nothing short of amazing that we have reached Audio Blog #33 already! Did you know that Jesus was 33 when he was crucified? True story! I hope that doesn't mean my blog will be crucified….again. Anyway, tales await you on this journey through my dumb mind; the biggest falling-out I ever had with a friend, images I wish I could un-see and some tricks for WED clay texture! All here!! Grab some marble pound cake and open yer ears!
In this episode of Horseshit, how I learned to stop worrying and love the Cruise, the craziest girl I EVER dated, how WED clay changed my life and actors we all could use a break from. Also, Farrah, Marilyn and tons of other sex symbols are mentioned and discussed…..Check it out and fall in love all over again with the greatest audio blog ever conceived by the human animal. Grab some Ritz Crackers and peanut butter and listen!!
Better late than never, right? Thus…. here are further tales of your intrepid narrator as he lands a job in 1989 at the Stan Winston Studio, meets Johnny Depp and….works on a terrible sequel. Also: Tips on FW Acrylic Inks, further traffic madness and my top faves in modern horror film, all here! Plus, we conclude with my favorite Bowie hit…. Don't miss it!
How is it possible that we are at #30 on this blog!? Yet…the facts remain that we, in fact, are. Thus, welcome to a discussion of fly-by-night movie companies, breaking up with a girl who got over me immediately, and nostalgia so thick it's like a Stouffer's French-Bread Pizza… speaking of which, grab a slice of your favorite kind and listen!
Merry Christmas, y'all! Now let's plunge into the madness!!!
You-know-what is discussed (an unholy miscegenation of Bantha and Ewok horse (?) shit), Stephen King's awesome horror novels, the tale of a racist idiot I knew and the winner of our Movie Description Contest! All here! Grab them bagels with some Nove Scotia Lox Cream Cheese dip and listen!
For eons, man has pondered the question: How do we get rid of idiots like Dr. Phil and Perez Hilton? Find out how, this week! Also, my first mini "Best Of" list of foods I've consumed, the first time I realized girls were different from boys, and the time I failed at sculpting a Pope mask---All here. All now. All hilarious. Grab some layered bean dip and give it a gander!
Drama! Yes, drama happens when you do something irresponsible, and I am that guy this time. Hate mail, some of my very favorite movie scenes, and the first contest ever on here (!!), all on this stoopid----and now controversial---audio blog. Enjoy… or hate. It's a free country. But you must be eating a Moon Pie in order to listen to this properly.
I know, I know…. LATE AGAIN!? Well, not quite. You see, this week there will be no Audio Blog. Now before you go and purchase the most expensive gun you can to take me out with, know these two things: (1), I am in the middle of an intense two weeks of teaching in England and, (2), I will be back next week with tons of hilarious anecdotes about my trip, more absurd Freelance Horseshit tales, and all-new jingles that are designed to make you laugh so hard you will vomit through your nose on close friends and family members. So…be patient, be happy, but most of all…. be aware that pawn shops make you wait a minimum of two weeks to obtain handguns---and by then, you'll be too busy laughing at the latest episodes of this stupid blog to even care about kidnapping me, taking me into the woods and leaving me there to die. Trust.
Here we go again, with more nonsensical wackiness from the Caramel Manatee!! How many varieties of KitKat exist? More than you ever wanted to know about this beloved candy, the tragic Michael Jackson story, a bizarre message from a former "Nightmare on Elm Street" star, and my weekly excuse for being late with this blog, all here! Grab a slice of Pumpkin Pie and lose yourself through the looking glass of madness!